On arriving earlier than necessary
Whenever I need to come somewhere at a precisely defined time, I tend to arrive much earlier. To meetings, to nights out with friends, to dentist appointments, wherever. For some time I thought this was one good thing about me, I was the one who is never late. But now that winter has definitely come and I have lots of time to think about stuff since I’m trapped on an almost inhabited island, I’m starting to think differently about it.
To come to something ahead of time, to arrive earlier than needed, is not a virtue, it is not something that makes me a better person, it is actually an example of me being a slave to my own expectations from myself. To come earlier is an attempt to conceal the resistance that I feel against concepts of discipline, agreements and of being organized. I have inner resistance against these concepts that are constantly asking from me to be responsible. These concepts are limiting for me because they ask me to obey them, to adjust to them, to respect them in order to be able to see myself as a responsible individual. My expectation from myself to be responsible is so strong that I try to restrain myself from being late (from being irresponsible) so much that I don’t only always arrive at agreed time, but I arrive much ahead of time, just to make sure the chance of being late and therefore irresponsible is the lowest possible. I care so much about being responsible that I tend to see the reality as one where I exist as an element that has potential to desecrate these concepts, when actually those same concepts exist as an element that desecrate me and limit me in a way that they make me put conditions on myself. I create for myself this duty of responsibility because I don’t see another way to confront these concepts without losing the illusion of being responsible. I am a slave to my own expectations from myself. What I gain from this slavery is the assumption of being responsible, but at a cost of losing freedom, the freedom of needing to be responsible. So I decide I would rather be responsible than free. Does this mean that freedom really is a matter of decision? Am I ever gonna decide to be free instead? Is freedom not of the most importance to me, definitely more important than being responsible? I guess not.
Thanks for reading!