I constantly crave new, out-of-ordinary experiences, something that will make me feel excited. Then when it happens, I get excited, but the excitement is soon gone and I start craving for more of the same feeling all over again. It’s like I’m collecting these exciting experiences and still feel bored. It is so because those experiences are not transforming me, they don’t take me to another level, they don't take me anywhere, they just give me a short rush of feeling high and then I’m back to old normal boring. Those experiences lack their meaning, they lack the story, the narrative that stands behind them, they don’t have content, they only have emotion attached to them. Am I chasing these kinds of experiences just to forget about the void, the absence of meaning that I secretly long for?

I need to remember that exposing myself to different ways of thinking is always good, even tho I might fucking hate those ways of thinking. The thing is, its not about asking myself is this way of thinking right or wrong, its about asking myself is this way of thinking providing me with the opportunity for more thinking about the subject, or is it not. If yes good if not bad.

I feel like everytime somebody likes me I don’t believe they like me but they only like what they think I am. Like they don’t even see me because they have this illusion about what I am, they think I’m cool because they want me to be cool, but I’m not really cool. I wish they could see I’m not really cool and still like me.

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