I feel like I’m just an observer of things, of life, the most observant observer there is. All I can do is just to observe, to analyze, to listen to. But to plan ahead, to impose a logical order where its needed, to project into the future - to imagine, invent and create stuff, that is not possible for me to do. If an artist’s doing is taking an instrument and playing music with that instrument, my doing is taking an instrument and throwing it into the air just to see what sound it will produce. It’s like I’m missing the ability to construct. Is this why it is so difficult for me to write? I am always only exploring, ever exploring, never making anything, not even sense. It is because I don't know what exactly do I want to see happening, I just want to see it whatever it is.

I yearn for the extraordinary, for moments that transcend even the feeling that I get when I achieve a goal. There is a feeling I get when my efforts produce a good result, when I finally reach that goal that I was trying to reach. But this feeling is not even in my top 10 feelings. What I want is something else, what I want is feelings that get to be felt in moments when I meet something new, another experience, something that is not already mine, something unexpected, when I don’t have to try to make something to feel something. Things that just happen, you know.

Analysis should only be a tool, a tool to fight against confusion. When confusion is gone and things become more clear, there is no need for analysis anymore. Then it is time to live impulsive, passionately, creatively and to spend time exploring my own limits. To know when to give up analysis is kind of a skill.

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